"Crafting an Effective Writer: Tools of the Trade" - My final Paragraph Assessment Detail

Your grade is 88, which is simply the grade you received from your peers. See below for details.

Topic #3

Identify and describe at least three (3) ways a person, male and/or female, is recognized as an adult in your culture.

Adult in any society is recognized primarily by his biological and legal characterization, but in India, a land of diverse and ancient culture, adulthood primarily deals with maturity. An adult is someone who knows the art of living. According to many ancient book of oriental wisdom, an adult(man/woman) is recognized by three ways viz. thought, deeds and voice.

The most easiest way to recognize an adult is through his voice, because it is the easiest projection of one's self. There are three types of voice viz. soft, harsh and normal. Soft and harsh voice are at extremes, while those having soft voice could be recognized as an adult depending on its gravity, people having harsh voice are often not treated as adults because it signifies lack of maturity. As far as normal voice is concerned it lies somewhere in between soft and harsh voice. The voice which hurts nobody is a normal voice. Those who know when to modulate their tone according to the circumstances keeping in view of thers feelings are generally recognized as adult. 

Second most important trait of a man is his deeds or Karma. Deeds are often bifurcated as good deed or bad deed. Philosophically speaking, it is very difficult to bifurcate between a good deed or a bad deed. Depending on the viewpoint, good deed can be bad deed for some one and vice-versa is always true. Good deed is something whose repercussions doesn't harm anyone and bad deed is something whose repercussions always harm someone. Those persons who continuously strive to do good are considered as adults.

Thirdly, the most complex one, thought. Thought is something which determines the genuinity of a person. A good thought can never harm someone and is never against someone, that's according to Mahatma Gandhi is true form of non violence. A person having good thought is indubitably an adult because it is reflected by his behavior and all the above two, voice and deeds respectively are automatically the highest. As far as bad thought is concerned, it is related to immature person who lacks true wisdom, he/she may be biologically or legally adult but in his own just eyes he is never an adult. The good thought and bad thought can be considered as selfless thought and selfish thought respectively, and orient culture never acknowledges a selfish person an adult.

The person, be it male or female, whose voice, deed and thought are good, that person in real sense is an adult. In true sense adult is someone who is wise enough to check his thoughts, just enough to check his deeds, rational enough to control his voice and enlightened enough to know the art of living.

Evaluation/feedback on the above work

Note: this section can only be filled out during the evaluation phase.

Addresses Assignment:

Score from your peers: 10

Topic Sentence:

Score from your peers: 10

Organization:

Score from your peers: 5

Unity:

Score from your peers: 5

Transitions:

Score from your peers: 5

Specific Details:

Score from your peers: 10

Concluding Sentence:

Score from your peers: 10

Sentence Variety:

Score from your peers: 10

Style:

Score from your peers: 10

Spelling/Homophones:

Score from your peers: 4

Verb Forms:

Score from your peers: 4

Capitalization:

Score from your peers: 3

Punctuation:

Score from your peers: 2

Overall evaluation/feedback

peer 1 → i am also an indian and i loved reading it.

peer 2 → The paragraphs convey a lot of great ideas. It is indeed a very well-written article, if I may call it so. All that is missing, are a few finishing touches here and there. Otherwise, great work!

peer 3 → My friend, this is really an eye-opening writing; I'm deeply impressed by the India version of "what being an adult mean", you are a people of great wisdom and benevolence. Besides, I would like to inform you that your writing is in want of conjunctions and pronouns in certain places.

peer 4 → The phrase " that's according to Mahatma Gandhi is true form of non violence" it is either " that's according to Mahatma Gandhi it is the true form of non violence" or " that's according to Mahatma Gandhi it is a true form of non violence". The phrase "The most easiest to recognize an adult" is grammatically incorrect it is either "The most easier" or "The easiest".

sick wish !

Whenever m sick (wait a second! For my intelligent readers lemme clarify that this sick is not a figure of speech its literally) and vulnerable I have this very thought of unraveling the mystery of life after death, so I pray to god that make this day my day of Armageddon or in less easy words hit me baby one last time aka kill me!! But deep down inside I know god, if he exists, has got better things to do than to hear my Sick(both literally and figuratively) wish !!

So I was having this uncanny thought at 10 p.m and was also felling bit sleepy, all of a sudden one more thought came. When I was in class eight, there was a boy named Shantanu moitra who eventually used to be my best friend, the only paradox is I never have meet him ever since. I thought, yaar what if tonight god has got nothing serious to do and he mistakenly paid undesirable heed to my plead, mera tooh kahani khatam. So I opened my lappie and start searching the aforementioned person one last time, guess what i was lucky to find him. I then send a friend request to him and within 5 mins he accepted that. cool is it not ! I thought yaar gajab ho gaya, its been a while (12yrs to be exact) since I had heard of him and all of a sudden he is here ready to chat. Great !!

We chatted like old lost friend, exchanged sweet memories with our contacts number. He told me that his father once again got transferred to Jamui and right now he is in the same apartment where he used to live 12 yrs back, I was very happie to hear that. When i queried about his mom and dad, he told me that they are on tour and they will be arriving not before tomorrow noon. He then told me that's the reason he can stay online as long as he wanted to, because his parents were away and he had the house to himself. We stayed there for a few hours exchanging sweet memories. Soon enough, my mum began calling out for me to go to sleep. As I was about to log off, I asked Shantanu what he was doing tomorrow, thinking he might want to stop by my place and have some nice time. He didn't reply for a while, in his chat box i was seeeing this message

“Shantanu is typing a message." Then it went blank.

“Shantanu is typing a message.” Nothing again.

I thought leave it I’m going to bed, tomorrow we will talk about it. It was strange for him to stop replying like that.

Next day when I logged on to facebook chat I saw his green light was on. He apologized for not replying last night and said he had just been busy. He asked whether I was alone in my house. I said yes! He then told me that he wanted to come over soon to meet me as he had something really important to show me, and he said he would come over soon, saying it was urgent, and then logged straight off, this increased my curiosity.

I was waiting for Shantanu when my land line rang. I got amazed to hear shantanu's dad's voice on the other end of line and i thought "wow yaar he still remember our land line number". But they were sounding bit worried as he was not in home and they thought the only person he knew in this town is me. They asked if I knew anything on Shantanu's whereabouts, to which I told them not to worry, because he was in fact on his way over my house. The phone fell silent for a moment until I heard a deathly scream from his mother in the background on the other end of the line. The father drew a deep breath, and shouted. “ Shantanu's here… He’s dead.” They had found Shantanu's lifeless body hung up on the fan in his room. I ended the call in shock, as it became apparent why he had asked if I would be home alone. All of a  sudden I heard the door creak open.

I was scared like anything so i quickly led under my bed to hide. I heard the sound of footsteps coming closer, ever so slowly. I dared not to open my eyes, but when I horrendously peaked through my fingers, I saw these pale yellow, cold, bare feet coming in to my room, almost in slow motion. I would hate to see the person such feet belonged to. As it slowly approached the bed, my heart was pounding in my mouth and I held my breath. The whole room was filled with fetid smell of a rotten dead body. Just when I couldn't possibly get any more scared, my phone let off a loud tone of a howl of a hound to notify me that I had received a message. It was from Shantanu's phone and read: “Where are you pal ...its been a while, (to be exact 12 years) i have got something very Important to tell you ?” as the feet stopped precipitously, lifeless in their foot-mark, I was half dead by then.

I was very sure that this very moment was to take among the few breaths I have left in me. All of a sudden every thing became very clear to my agnostic mind as it was confirmed that god/ghost do exists and finally he made my sick wish the biggest or say the worst and perhaps the last nightmare of my life. I was too scared to scream. Then I heard another loud knock on my door I was scared like anything thinking whether my all lost friends are dead and this time they wanted me to be the same. The rate of knocking was directly proportional to the pounding rate of my heart. When I heard the sound it was of my mother. I got so scared on the thought that this ghost of the best friend turn ghost Shantanu will definitely kill my entire family, at-least I can tell her to run away. I gathered all the available courage and opened my eyes, an found myself lying on the keyboard of my laptop, knocking continued, and me drenched with sweat thinking about my Sick Wish...!!!