The Dilemma

This is coming only because of the fact that last evening a colleague who is from a literature background had praised my writing skills. Had I not been associated with a guru I would have named the title as "The prisoner's Dilemma". But they say take it for granted that you are free when you are with a guru. If I am free the there should not be any dilemma and id I am in dilemma it is quite evident that I'm not free. This is catch 22.

I have always been a not so normal person with heart of a drunk and a kid. A year before I desperately used to defy and deceive that childish behaviour of mine which later I was told from my friend that it comes out with a bang everytime I was drunk. Today, the situation is such that without drinking or anything most of the times I'm high and the child is there but this time the childishness is replaced by child like. Being a child like is good because you dont live without any apprehension. But, it has its own course of action.

It's been a couple of days Since I'm having such weird feeling. The day my senior told me to start looking for another job It scared the hell our of me. I'm not scared because I would leave this job. Because to be frank this job is bit boring. I'm scared beacuse things might happen that I would have to leave some friends like Nishit and Tanya. As I am writing this line I simply can't explain the suffocation which is there inside me. Something is there which comes out in the form of tears. An hour before I was simply unable to resist my tears (though I did because I was in cafeteria. Every time it happens there. Oh Boy!). Why because Nishit is supposed to take his first happiness course. When Asked a friend about it she (you know who!) said "what help? Its nice to be happy in others happiness." Little did I knew that being emotional and crying without any reason is a sign of happiness. Anyway but that is not the point. The point is the love which takes its form because it is already there. May be when guruji says "It doesnt matter to whom you love..". I think this dilemma made me learn a valuable lesson today that Love is something which I am made up of and irrespective of person place and things, its probability of coming out depends on the recognition of the depth of the love.

Chalo thik hai!

The Lid and the Lunchbox - Doctrines Vs Child

I don't know why but I think I should write this:

Just Now I saw Sundar, a colleague of mine cleaning his Lunch box and right on the table there was a shiny steel cover of that box which was dirty few minutes ago. Guess who had enlightened that lid of the lunch box - Me!

Well, after the "Yoga Neendra" when I resumed my chair to do some work, Sundar offered me some of the pomegranate seeds & green grams. Initially I thought should out-rightly reject his proposition as I was full but then I felt it would be weird to reject the kind of love which an another reflection of yours wants to share it with you (Heavy advaita words! Is it not). Respecting his offering I said "yes!", and took few of the seeds. After a while I finished the same and got too busy with my work. Meanwhile, I forgot to clean that Lunch box lid. Then after an hour or so Sundar came and said "give me the lid". I said "no, it is my duty to clean it up because I was the reason of the leftovers inside that lid." After initial moral-friendship persuasion,  sundar left the box on the table and left for some work. I picked the lid and saw the box, someone inside me said that take the box with you as well, but I didn't. Not sure whether it was my ego or I was being too practical which made me not to touch the box in which sundar ate. I went to the washroom and cleaned the lid and make it shiny and put it next to the dirty box.

As I saw Sundar cleaning the box and I thought "Why the hell I didn't cleaned the box?".  And the every present guilt consciousness nibbled me gently but fortunately I got over it soon. There are few points to take into consideration.

1. The fact that I don't wanted to be an externality on sundar. I was having this Swami Vivekananda Type of belief that "If you have disheveled something it is you who is supposed to clean it up". But what about others dirt, whose responsibility is to clean it up??

 2. If I was at sundar's place, at the time of cleaning the Lunch box I would be very disappointing over the way I had been behaved. Was it the correct way to behave?

3. What about the Love and the Adavita (the one) philosophy which I always believed. Where did it went all of a sudden when the actual time came to implement it.

If someone is reading this I am damn sure s/he must be thinking that what kind of ass has written it. For objectivist, what I did was more than correct because this is the way one should behave. For Idealist It was indeed a great act to clean your mess of your own. But what about a kid who is there inside all the time, crying not because he wants to dissociate himself from the good old rock solid doctrines or so called principles but because he don't want his share of LOVE to compromise in the name of Principles.

Maybe Bharti Ma'am (My Boss at ILO) is right when she says "Just do what you love to and don't be football of others opinion".

Maybe I can feel these all unimportant things because of the increased "AWARENESS"